I just found out that my husband is paying for on-line porn which is no biggie, I am in Korea, he is in Alabama, BUT it is "live" from the webcam so it is someone real. Â*He is a "VIP" which means that it is automatically deducted from his accout. Â*

I am VERY upset right now.....am I just being overly emotional?

Well, I talked to my husband, he claims that he has never been to the site. Â*It is hard to believe since it is coming out of his checking account, but he doesn't know how it got on there. Â*This isn't the first . Â*He got really defensive and said that since I don't trust him, will never believe him, so he doesn't want to live like that, so he wants to end our marriage. Â*He didn't do a good job of reassuring me.

I would rather air my dirty laundry out here--the family would freak if this is an idle threat. Â*We are supposed to have a wedding later this year--for the family since we eloped.

Whoa...Please give yourself a break here Mazama! I would feel the same way...This seems more real than watching porn or looking at pictures! I would want to know why the need? really? and will this keep happening even when you get home from South Korea? I am not trying to judge this...just state how I would feel! It would bother me...[confused]

Eeeekkkkk! I was posting the above post when you posted you next one! [confused]

Defensiveness is to me a *red flashing light*... You need to look at what he said..."I do not want to live like this"...Do You? Communication is not an easy thing for most people...but this would be where it would really be needed right now ~ Just asking him *WHY*? for all of the above mentioned things![rolleyes]

Fate wrote:

Defensiveness is to me a *red flashing light*...

Seems to me your hubby is indulging and thought he would not get caught. I think that is part of the attraction for online porn. Â* Years ago a friend of mine's hubby talked with other women for the purpose of online sexual encounters. She knew about it and didnt care as long it was for the soul purpose of sex only. But what eventually happened is that he started having a feelings with one of them. It got totally out of control, he tried to hide the e-mails from this woman. Well she was no fool and was able to get those e-mails. Their marriage was quite rocky for a while. I have lost touch with her so I dont know if the marriage survived. Hopefully it did, they have two wonderful children together. But what I am getting at is this kind of secret can destroy relationships.

I'm sorry, but my personal view is that sex is much more than just the act. It's a spiritual bondig, especially when marriage or lifelong comitment is involved. You should want no on eelse. If you do then you need to examine your feelings about sex. Not necessarily your feelings about the other person, but perhaps you have a somewhat juvenile view of sex itself.


You should feel absolutely no desire to be with someone else. I would even make way for cyber chat, but not a webcom. At least with cyber chat he could be rpetending it's me. But with a webcam it's someone else that he can see

My view may be a little idealistic or unrealistic, but it's one that I'm unbending with. When it comes to heart body and soul commitment, that what it should be. You can't enjoy the spirituality of sex if your mind is one someone or soemthing else! your whole essence is being merged with someone else's.

I have no inclination to thinkk about anyone else. It's like a switch is flicked on and I don't even see the sex appeal in others except on a very superficial level, meaning it registers that they are good looking people, but there is no attraction whatsoever, and thank Goddess that Alex is the same way!!

I'd be more upset ("more upset' being relative) that my husband lied about it. Though it's still creepy all round. I don't think you're overreacting, Mazama. I think you have every right to feel the way you do.

Selene Lilitu wrote:
I'm sorry, but my personal view .... You should want no on eelse.
You should feel absolutely no desire to be with someone else.

Selene...this is just a suggestion!
When voicing your opinion...the words *You Should* does not feel like an opinion. Maybe the words *I Feel* would be more likely an opinion?[grin]

I understand that you feel strongly about commitment and that is honorable ~ Not everyone is that honorable...[confused] I do agree that if Mazama is feeling angry and mistrusting of her husband that she has the right to feel that way! Suggestion...Making decisions when in Reaction is not conducive to the Best Decision ~ When the *pissiness* has subsided...then looking at the options may be much more Clear![cool]

Ladies, thank you. Y'all seem to have the same opinion about it as I do. He called back later and swears up and down that he would never do that and that he knows the difference. He thinks that he inadvertantly signed up for the stuff when he signed up for the main "normal" site he goes to. I told him BS because the two sites aren't related--I'm no fool either. He said he will get to the bottom of it and see how that stuff got on his checking.....He apologized for getting angry and threatening to end our marriage. I was pretty much in receive mode....he is right, though, I don't believe him at all.....We shall see what the days bring. Our "reunion" is in 40 days.

Mazama~ I am so sorry for you having to go through all this, especially being so far away. I just wanted to stick my 2 cents in, follow your heart now, A very wise woman, from here at the cauldron told me the best advise I have ever recieved, and I am still doing my best to make it a daily practice, it helps sooo much... Stand in your own power and ask to be filled with light and love. Once you are there, you will be able to make better choices for you. If someone had told me that a year ago, I would be soo much better off. I did not listen to my heart then. Who knows what "your tomorrow" holds, You 2 may make it just fine and go forward, or you may have another path, but listen to your heart.
Sending love your way.
OE

A bit of a man's view here...

I totally agree with what you ladies have thus suggested. If you are in a commitment or hell love at all, you should only need them, no other. Porn should be all but useless for them. If you were gone for weeks, maaaaaybe. Shouldn't be needed, though. Months, years, okay I could definately see that. But only standard porn (lol, what a concept, eh?!), not some live person they don't even know!!!

That would certainly get my goat. Fantasies are normal, natural, and supposedly healthy. Acting on them, well that's for each person to decide. When I have a fantasy it is usually about the one I love when/if I have one. This camgirl stuff does seem a bit out of par to me. That is a live person. This person is not you. It would be hard to imagine she is you, as the knowledge of her not being pre-recorded or a tape of a dramatized love scene between a couple which one could use to imagine themselves and their lover in such roles would tell you this is not your lover, but another. So, yes I wouldn't be too enthused if I were in your shoes, either.

Now, as far as his denial and defensiveness, *shrug* that's for you to decide. If he's lied before or whatnot, that's a factor for you, not us. But yes, trust your heart and mind, but only to an extent. Love is blind, emotions, pleasant memories and such can throw you off and mess up your judgement. The best advice I ever got from a friend was to trust my gut. After having become the laughing stock of this town for my ex-fiancee's cheating, I have trusted it and found it to be quite correct.

Coming FROM a man, that should carry some weight, if you ask me. I hope you find the right course. Blessed be, Madam.