I have a while before my step daughter comes of age. But her mother is in nice terms an inhibitor. She drowns out anything I try to do. She is an athiest and doesn't have a religion, yet everything I try to do is wrong.

How can I go about this the right way? I want it planned out and ready, children are starting puberty earlier now adays.

Any help is very appreciated.

I'm sure this will be a challenge for you. I don't have kids, but i know teenagers (especially girls [wink]) can be tough.

For girls, the *big* coming of age is menstruation. That's easy to tie into pagan beliefs! But you have to comfortable talking with your step daughter about it...

In other religions ( i am thinking Judaism as an example) the coming of age is marked by dedication to one's faith and then a celebration. So, maybe you could create a dedication ritual. This would be up to her. Discuss it with her and if she wants to dedicate herself to the pagan path, have her select a few readings from pagan books. Then have her read and analyze them - perhaps discuss with you and the rest of the family?

If you want it more ceremonial, you could give her her first pagan tool: a candle, or a pentacle, for example. Light some candles...

Then again, how much of a ritual do you want? You could have a full-blown coming of age ritual...but with the resistance you've been experiencing, a more low key ritual might be appropriate?

In Wicca, the tradition is to dedicate for a year and a day before becoming "initiated". During the next year, she would learn and read about paganism and decide for herself.

Once she dedicates, you could throw a party for her. I'm thinking pentacle cake! [grin]

Just a few of my thoughts. take them at face value

Oh. one more thing...make sure you don't exclude her mother, even if she tries to "inhibit", she really needs to be included, so try to discuss WHY you believe in your religion and why you think it's important for you to at least offer the choice to y'alls daughter. if you aren't open and don't talk to mom about it (hide it from her), she will probably oppose it. that's human nature.

Very nicely put jonquil. Â*I have a feeling though that there will be trouble with the mother. Â*If she seeks to undermind any and everything that you do it will be a struggle. Â*Maybe when your step-daughter gets a little older she will see her mom for the true person that she is. Â*[rolleyes]

I think the best thing to do for a young girl is be open, honest and quietly happy when her changes occur. And be open to questions.

It depends on the child, but I'd worry that the bigger the celebration of her coming of age, the more grief from the mother. Make sure she knows that menstruation is a powerful, wonderful thing even if it's painful, uncomfortable and/or embarrassing sometimes.

My own mother was so closed and embarrassed about the whole thing, I spent years feeling "that time" was something dirty or to be hidden. My pregnancies restored my appreciation for my womb, and I'm now trying to appreciate my last years of having this cycle in my life.

Oh, and in terms of body changes, try to make it a time to learn to be proud of of the nature-given changes -- to appreciate the differences in her body vs. other girls. To carefully nuture self-esteem at its most fragile.

Rambling thoughts...

b*b
goewin[nonsense]

jonquil wrote:
Oh. one more thing...make sure you don't exclude her mother, even if she tries to "inhibit", she really needs to be included, so try to discuss WHY you believe in your religion and why you think it's important for you to at least offer the choice to y'alls daughter. if you aren't open and don't talk to mom about it (hide it from her), she will probably oppose it. that's human nature.

Once I get more into my situation, you'll understand that isn't an option. This lady has sent my husband to jail for holding her off of him, not hitting or forcibly doing anything, just holding her away from hitting him. She has tried to have my other children taken from me. She's had people come to my home and vandalize my vehicles.
And we are in a court situation.

But thank you for your help, I took some great ideas from it.

Creekwatcher wrote:
Very nicely put jonquil. Â*I have a feeling though that there will be trouble with the mother. Â*If she seeks to undermind any and everything that you do it will be a struggle. Â*Maybe when your step-daughter gets a little older she will see her mom for the true person that she is. Â*

She already does, but she fights her intuition. Her mother has many strange and unrealistic ideas in her head. She always talks about how her mother cusses at her and the other kids and how her mommy sleeps all the time or doesn't pay attention to her; yet the second we say No or ask her to do something, she wants her mom.

It's a difficult situation.

Wow. Based on your first post it didn't sound as oppressive as a situation as that.

Yes, some of the suggestions are now out of the question. Arg.

We are now getting into a more sticky situation of religious (in)tolerance.

A book like this might help. Pagans and the Law: Understand Your Rights, Dana D. Eilers, New Page Books, 2003. Maybe Cauldron Living can add it to their store.

Witchcraft is recognized in the United States as a legitimate religion. Wiccan and other Neopagan groups have been recognized by governments in the US and Canada and given tax exempt status.

Honestly, you can probably argue untill yours ears turn blue how wicca/pagan is not satanic, not devil worship, not cult, not bad, etc. But they won't listen. Because they are intolerant. Unfortunately, anti-pagan, anti-semite, anti-islam, etc, etc, etc is not going away. But in the US there are laws that protect us. Hopefully that makes you feel a little better.

You may want to privately document everything you witness or your step-daughter tells you. Include the date and everything that happened or was said.

Goddess be with you! Try to be strong and the best thing you can probably do right now is be a peaceful, responsible and kind pagan.

She never says that it's devil worshiping, until we are in front of some official. She has no room to talk. Her exhusband is Wiccan. But before that, there was a couple of Satanists, some real devil worshippers, then my ex who was a pagan too.

Yes, I am going to take the high road. It's really difficult sometimes, I just pray, chant, meditate, sing,. etc whatever helps me calm down. [cool]

Coming of age was a very special time between my daughter and I. We'd had the talk and read several books together on the changes her body was going to be going through. I allowed her to take a day off from school and we went "Moon Shopping". We bought supplies and discussed the ins and outs of several products and how to use them properly, then we stopped had a wonderful cup of tea and pie together. We found a special place in her drawer for all the products we'd purchased and waited for the big day to occur. It was several months later when it finally happened. Rather than being upset or scared she was excited, everything was ready and she knew how to use it. I felt very gratified at the time and prepration we'd put into the event day. I again allowed her to take the day off school and I'd purchased a lovely little moonstone necklace for her. We'd gone out to lunch and I gave her the "Moon gift". I explained about the moon in all it's glory and the ebb and flow of life as now my little girl was a lady. The necklace was a symbol of the day, the time in her life, and the power of love between a mother and daughter. She wore the necklace during each of her moon phases for the next couple of years. It became our private signal something between just her and I.

I always look back on the that time and smile.

Lexie Marie

What a lovely ritual to celebrate, Lexie Marie. I only wish that my daughter's coming of age would have happened while she was at home, instead of visiting her dad and new stepmom. I feel a bit of a loss that her special threshold went by without celebration into this new era of life.
Your discription of your necklace ritual is really beautiful.