Hello, all and Blessed Be! This is my very first post. I am 22 years old, and I'm happy to say that I'm six weeks pregnant! That's the good news. Everything else is pretty much the bad news...

I didn't mean to get pregnant, but life presents us with challenges, and I'm trying to figure out the next step to take. I moved to Wisconsin 3 years ago, and the rest of my family lives in NJ, so I have no one out here, really. Things are extremely complicated right now! My mother offered to take the child for a few years while I finished school. But the next thing I know, my dad's calling me, yelling about how he thought I got pregnant on purpose, and how I should take care of my own responsibilities, and my mother decided to revoke that offer. A woman's weakness, especially that of my mother, disappoints me. But what can I do?

This is bad, because I really thought that this was the best option. I'm not ready to care for a young child--my apartment's tiny, I work two jobs along with school, and I don't have a car. All my father cares about is how much sleep he's going to get at night, not about my education or the best interests of the child.

So I could stay here in Wisconsin, struggling to make ends meet while trying to care for a baby. It would suck, but I would be independent and be able to practice Wicca openly. Or I could go back to Jersey for a year or two, move in with my sister, and have life be a little easier on me, but I wouldn't be able to practice Wicca, and you can forget about school.

I wish my mother wouldn't have revoked her offer! I could prepare for a child, rent a bigger apartment, fill the place with love and blessings for both of us. Why do some men have to be so ignorant, and why is it the ignorant men who control our fates the most?

First off, Congratulations!

It sounds like you need to talk to your parents, try to explain to them that this wasn't important, and that you do need their love and support, not just for yourself and for their grandchild.

You're not very far along yet, so there is a chance that once you start showing, your OH's nurturing side will kick in. Seems that men need that "proof," visual evidence of "holy crap, I'm gonna be a daddy." He may even get over protective of you, too, then (My husband wouldn't even let me carry a gallon of milk during my first pregnancy...)

Consider, too, though, what the consequences of having your parents raise your child while you finish school: the baby's far away, you don't get to bond as much, your parents raise the child the way they think is best (not necessarily the way you think is best.) You might decide, too, that you can't bear to be away form that precious little one at all after the birth.

I'm in Wisconsin as well. I know first hand that there are many places and people that will help you. Find your local WIC office (Women, Infants, and Children.) They'll help by providing you vouchers for nutritious food. The program is completly free. They also provide check ups for you, to make sure that you are eating well, gaining the right amount of weight, and that your haemoglobin count is high enough. In my county, they even provide free prenatal check ups with a nurse and lactation consultants afterwards. If you are legally independent, check out your Health and Human Resources office: you'll qualify for assistance for food (Foodshare program, used to be called "foodstamps" now it's a debit card,) and health insurance that covers all pre and post natal check ups plus the birth of the baby (unfortunately, though, if you aren't married, they make the father pay for half the cost of the birth,) and all check ups for the baby.

Let me know if there's anything else I can help with.
Damianna

Thank you!

I heard that my county (Dane) has one of the best welfare programs in the country. And you're right, I do want to raise my child a certain way--my parents are Christian. So I think that I will raise it here, without regrets. It's silly to make unnecessary moves for both me and my child. Plus, I have a strong support system here.

Thank you for the advice. I'll look up those programs ASAP.

No problem!

You can always check with your county's Housing Department. They can help get you into a larger apartment at a really good rental rate. In my county (Portage) you pay the rent to them and it covers utilities as well. Also, for afterwards, you can get assistance with childcare through Health and Human Resources, for any daycare you choose. Oh, and the insurance (Badgercare) is accpeted by Nurse Midwives. I can tell you from experience (3 kids worth!) that you will do better with a Midwife. They focus on the birthing experience, not on getting it over with as fast as possible, regardless of the state of mother and child afterwards (the doc only cares that you both are alive.)

Also, don't forget your spiritual and magickal practices while pregnant. You'll find the energy is much different.

One last thing: Raspberry Leaf tea is your best friend, drink it throughout the pregnancy and during labor. And don't forget to do your Kegels!

Best of Luck!
Dami

Well I hate to say it but I disagree. First of all if you felt that you were old enough to enter into a sexual relationship you should have realized that getting pregnant would be one of the outcomes. There are plenty of schools, I'm guessing you mean colleges at 22, in New Jersey, most of which have higher scholastic rankings than Wisconsin. Because your parents have lived there you can get a reduction in the college cost. For example I went to Rutgers, NJIT, FDU and Princeton university. The reason why I went to so many colleges was because I wanted to get a master's degree in the sciences but didn't have enough money, so I worked during the day and went to classes at night. When I was almost finished I got pregnant, but I didn't shirk my responsibility and try and pass them off to someone else so I could finish school. I realized that once I brought a life into the world it was MY RESPONSIBILITY to take care of the child, as I had initiated the sexual relationship that allowed me to get pregnant. Nobody held a gun to my head, I did that fully knowing that one potentiality would be that I could get pregnant.

I also kept in mind the following. In shamanic pathwork a woman goes through stages in her life corresponding to her growing awareness. There are approximately 7 stages to becoming a Wise Woman, and only until a woman has a child was her womb developed enough to allow her to learn the more advanced female mysteries concepts. When I got pregnant it was a message to me that I needed to embark on "the path of the mother" so I could get in touch with the lessons about the responsibilities about motherhood. This primarily involved me saying goodbye to my previous pursuit of getting an advanced degree (PhD) and working full time so that I could get proper housing, food and healthcare for my child. Once you have a child the focus is not supposed to be on you any longer, the lesson is one of self sacrifice of everything that is you for those children. Only when you learn the self sacrifice of nurturing another life, and making sacrifices, learning responsibility, can you possibly undertake the harder advanced lessons of magick. It requires a stronger person to be able to take on these lessons, and that is the strength you get from the way of the mother path. If you don't learn these lessons in self sacrifice and responsibility you will have failed at becoming a self reliant woman, and never be able in the future to attain the focus and dedication advanced pathwork requires until you complete this task.

As a single mother of two I can tell you that working and going to school while caring for a baby is completely an imaginary course. There is no way you can do all that without having additional caregivers. What's worse is that you are planning on trying to survive on welfare to take care of a baby just so you can practice Wicca? I think that this is a plan that is going to cause you and your child much hardship. Creator would be more impressed by your actions if you put your child's welfare first and rethought this plan. It is no longer time to just think about yourself, you have to think about what is best for the baby, even if that means sacrificing a few years of living with your parents until you can finish school and get a proper job. You can always practice Wicca privately, go to the woods, Creator is everywhere, in all things, spirituality doesn't have to be displayed as a sign to be effective. Your beliefs are your own, your child may decide on becoming a Christian. Each individual has the right to choose just as you wish to choose your own spirituality so don't be so worried about "being raised in a Christian household". You were and you practice Wicca right? I teach my children paganism, my partner shares with them her Jewish religion and their father Christianity so that in the future they can decided what they want to practice and have an informed viewpoint on all of them.

I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but as a single mother who was in your shoes at one point, who had to struggle and work two jobs to feed my children I think you should hear from a person who went through this.

namaste,
JB

I'm afraid I agree with Jayne in this. (Except for the bit about childbirth and shamanism etc. I don't think childbirth is something every woman must do in order to follow a certain path.) But that is beside the point. Sending your child to live with your family, or living on welfare, so you can attempt to continue with school isn't the answer. This child is your responsibility, and if that means putting off college for 5 or 6 years so be it. As for Wicca... Well you can live the life without having rituals, etc. In my opinion, the most important parts of this religion have nothing to do with magic or ritual, but are in how we live our day to day lives. And, to be frank, college is a 50/50 endeavor in these times anyway. I know way too many people with master's degrees who are working at waffle house or whatever.

Yes, but those programs were put into effect for a reason. I used WIC, Medicaid and foodstamps while I was pregnant, and after my first husband left me. I would not have been able to stay with my mother for longer than I did(it was almost a year) without losing my child to the state(mom has different ideas of what a clean house is than other people do, i.e. not clean, not even a little bit.) I have struggled to maintain employment due to clinical depression and other issues. But my daughter is healthy, happy and well adjusted. It is no disgrace to use the programs if you need them. After all, that is what they were created for.

I agree with you pretty much fully, and it took me another female friend of mine to bring me to this realization (before I read your post).

I've decided that I certainly should try to grow up, and attempting to desperately cling on to the last dregs of my childhood by dropping off my child at my parents while I lazed around for a few years (yes, I would be hard at work and going to school, but it would probably be nothing compared to raising a child) is not what the Goddess intended for me.

I've always wanted kids, and even though originally I thought it was too soon, when I was 19 I became homeless for a little while, and I thought it was too soon for THAT, but I overcame it. The truth of the matter is that I talked myself into all the different ways of getting "out" of my situation, but the only way I was able to sleep peacefully at night was when I knew that the decision I came to--to keep the child--was right.

But I have also decided to stay in WI. The other truth I have to face is that, if I decide to stay with my sister, the easiest way I think, it would likely be disastrous. I've been living on my own for 3 years; she for less than 6 months. She would have to share this burden with me, and she's just learning what it's like to live away from my parents. I have a window of opportunity: a chance to live with a pagan midwife in Madison starting this August. I have an excellent support system in Madison, and Dane County has one of the best welfare programs in the country.

Thank you for putting so eloquently what it took me such a long time to realize!

Yes, but those programs were put into effect for a reason. I used WIC, Medicaid and foodstamps while I was pregnant, and after my first husband left me. I would not have been able to stay with my mother for longer than I did(it was almost a year) without losing my child to the state(mom has different ideas of what a clean house is than other people do, i.e. not clean, not even a little bit.) I have struggled to maintain employment due to clinical depression and other issues. But my daughter is healthy, happy and well adjusted. It is no disgrace to use the programs if you need them. After all, that is what they were created for.

You are right about that. When I was still thinking about adoption, one of my unfortunate excuses was that I was too "proud" to delve into government assisstance--a belief my mother instilled in me.

But I have a friend whose nephew is the poster child (literally, he's on a billboard somewhere) for WIC, and she was lifting a weight off my shoulders by saying that they even lend you a crib after the baby is born until you don't need it anymore!

The community part of it is what makes me feel good about this. There's a community baby shower in town during the late summer, and I plan to attend--with my pride fully intact.

I agree with what people have been telling you - but the last time I checked it still took
two people to make a baby. Where is the father and his he going to accept his responsibility?
Letting him off the hook is not a good path for either one of you. If you don't want to deal
with him then those same welfare agencies would be happy to at least get your child some
financial support from him.

After having been a foster parent to seven children whose parents refused the reponsibilities of
parenthood I strongly urge you to make use of every avenue you have open to you and don't
overlook the two most important resources available to you free of :
1. Parenting classes, I have been through them three times (state requirement here for foster
parents) an feel they are worth the time and effort.
2. Social Workers. They are not your enemy, the ones I know work hard to keep families together
by helping you get the resources you need. Plus they generally have big shoulders and don't
mind you shedding a few tears.

Give yourself and your child the best opportunity you can, Just keep in mind your "Turn" won't
come around for another 18-20 years.