Hi all!
I need some advice, but first I should give you some background info.

I have been with my fiance for 4 years now, and everything between the two of us is great, I couldnt ask for anytning more.

Recently though I get the feeling that his mum is becoming jealous of the amount of time he spends with me at my parents house(we dont live together yet, he has just been made redundant and obviously trying to find a house is out of the question for a while)
Now, I know what your probably thinking, maybe its jealousy cuz I see my mum and dad more than we see his... but I have no choice about that.

See what I havent told you is that I am a full time carer for my mum, she has a terminal illness and needs round the clock care. I gave up work to look after her so my dad could carry on going to work to earn money to pay the bills etc. I have been looking after her for about 2 years now, and I get 2 days off a week, which is when my dad has his days off ( confused yet lol)
so during these 2 days we stay at his parents house... and that used to be fine!

But now, whenever hes at mine, (more so now cuz he obvioulsy has more free time on his hands now hes not working) she is constantly on the phone to him, demanding that he comes home so she can see him, always phoning him telling him that theres jobs that need doing round the house that only he can do.. just so he has to go home.
Sometimes shes like it the day after we have been to see them.

I dont know what to think really, I mean the guy is 25 but sometimes she treats him like a ten year old!!
You should of seen her last christmas, when she found out that he would be spending the morning at mine with my family and then the evening with all his family.. it wasnt good enough and she cried her eyes out... I mean bawled like a baby over it!!

So... Is it jealousy? Does she not like me.. even though I have always thought we got on well with each other? Or is it the fact that she doesnt want to lose her son to someone else (hes the youngest of her 2 sons)

What should I do? Its actually starting to drive me insane.. I have spoken to him about it and he has said it is starting to get on his nerves to, but he wont talk to her and tell her to butt out!
Any advice you could give me would be much appreciated!!

It does sound to me as though she's jealous.

It may not be that she has anything against you, but mothers can tend to feel like their babies are being "stolen" from them, and they tend to lash out sometimes.

Does your fiance spend ANY alone time with his mom? Maybe he should try spending one night a week with her alone. Then she might see that he's making the effort to include to other important lady in his life.

Perhaps it's a simple case of feeling a little left out. My mom appreciates it when my husband and I invite her out to a movie or to breakfast on sundays or something small like that, even if she doesn't accept every time. Just knowing that we're trying to include her makes her feel a little more involved and special.

She had him all his life and now suddenly he's no longer all hers, and while it may not be too crazy at first, she may feel his absence more as time goes on. maybe he could take her out to dinner and just get her into conversation and see if he can find out what's really bothering her and assure her that she's still important and that you guys are trying to juggle it all. I hope for your sake she's more reasonable than my mother-in-law!

just approach it gently and sensitively. Instead of telling her to "butt out" try SHOWING her that she's going to be included and that she doesn't need to get upset or feel insecure. Perhaps your fiance an go of his own accord somtimes, BEFORE she has a chance to call him and ask him to come over. Barring that, just gently tell her that you guys need your privacy too.

I'm sure it will all be ok!

Hi Selene!
Thanks for your reply, you have been helpful!!

He does spend some time with her alone, so it is just the two of them, but I guess he could do it more often, and in a good way it gives the two of us some space aswell!

We have asked her to come out with us for a meal/film before, and she did come with us and said how much she enjoyed spending the time with us... Maybe we should do it more often!!

I suppose, I can understand wheres shes coming from, I guess when I wrote this thread I was just a bit peed of with it all.
Also, what you have said has explained it pretty well, and now I can do something to sort it out!

Thanks again Selene! [smile]

Anytime

Really, Pebbles, it's not anything that you have done or haven't. It's a personal thing between your lover and his mom... and to be honest the more you try to fix it the harder it will probably be. When my husband and I announced that we were getting married, his mother tried to break us up. She even went as far as to say that she wasn't going to come to our ceremony! My husband reminded me to just be as nice as I could, and in the meantime he and his mom worked it out between them. Be as kind to her as you would your own mother, but try to keep out of it if you can. That way she understands that you're not trying to be in the middle of the two of them, and she can feel like her personal time with her son is truly hers alone.

The same thing happened with me except my now ex husband and his mother never worked it out and i hate to say that she, on top of everything else, was the reason for my divorce. Not the sole reason but played a big roll. I hope this isn't what happens to you and more then likely things will turn around. Good luck with it all.

Thanks Ashfire and Fire_dancer!

I hope things do manage to sort themselves out eventually.
I was talking about this with an old work colleague of mine on friday night, and what happened to her was pretty much the same as what happened to you fire_dancer!
She said that mums find it harder to let go of there sons to other women, because they think no one else can be good enough for them!!
I suppose in some way this is true!

Oh well, lets just see what happens! I`ll keep you all posted! [smile]

"dont eat my cookie" ....... I Love that ! This Generation has Eaten the Cookies of the next Several Generations to come !

at any rate........ I believe strongly in Speaking Ones Mind, for good or ill. To My Way of Seeing... it is much better to pull the problem close and say "Listen, You... We need to Talk! This is how I SEE things..... " than it is to let them lie......, hoping they might improve. Grab the Bitch by the Horns..................... and speak the truth. Honesty is Always best. Gods be With You. [wink]

LINN wrote:
"dont eat my cookie" ....... I Love that ! This Generation has Eaten the Cookies of the next Several Generations to come !

at any rate........ I believe strongly in Speaking Ones Mind, for good or ill. To My Way of Seeing... it is much better to pull the problem close and say "Listen, You... We need to Talk! This is how I SEE things..... " than it is to let them lie......, hoping they might improve. Grab the Bitch by the Horns..................... and speak the truth. Honesty is Always best. Gods be With You.

[lol] I like your style LINN! However as much as I would love to do that, I dont think my fiance would approve....
Though I have thought about just having it out with her [lol]

It's true that it may be something he has to work out with his mom...but if it gets bad enough it might just be that his mom's a little psycho!

Seriously...I thought Alex's mother loved me...the minutes we got engaged, sh*t hit the fan and she started talking about me like I was a slut, or accusing alex of not being proud of his race(we're an interracial couple)...anything she could find to cause trouble. She didn't come to our wedding, and neither did her brother, Alex's uncle.

WE understand that she's a little crazy and very controlling, and he just ignores it. He still visits her and helps her with money and ignores her comments...if it gets offensive he'll defend me because he knows his mom is grasping at straws and being nasty and unfair.

For the most part now she's just frustrated and complacent because she realizes that nothing will get the better of us. We're expecting another flare when our baby is born...she'll find things to poke at about the child or how I care for the child..she'll find things wrong with the way I rbeastfeed or change diapers, and I'm sure it will get offensive at times. But we're prepared! and it will eventually settle down once she realizes that won't get a rise out of us either